The Mean Green Penis Machine
by wolfx555
Summary: Bella needs to get off- bad. Also, she needs money. To fufill both needs, she turns to porn. A surprisingly sexy stunt penis rocks her world. *Also includes Liam from One Direction*


The Mean Green Penis Machine

So, Bella had been a vampire for four years and it was getting old. The movie deal had wrapped up, the book series were six feet under, and all of her young fans had grown up to enjoy other such nonsenses like One Direction and other such similar soft-core gateway bands.

Edward and his gay ass cock had grown stale too, because he never could cum and more importantly, she couldn't either.

She missed the days she spent with her trusty old vibrator, violently masturbating up to three dozen times a day. When she was human, she got drenched even thinking about Edward's toenail clippings. Now she was cold, and she was looking for something to warm up the ice inside of her glory hole.

Also, for more money. She had already blown through the money on pussy, money, and weed (420 blaze it, faggots) from the book and movie deals. Bella thought about it in her gay little vampire brain of hers and eventually reached a simple conclusion that would allow her to have better sex and make more money: Porn.

The next day, she flew out to Los Angeles to talk with her producers- a whole team of well-paid men who waxed themselves down to the last asshole hair.

"I want to do porn," she hissed to them in her menacing vampire voice of hers.

They agreed because she was vampire and scary as fuck. But Bella, with her weird vampire sense of hers, knew the men were only intimidated by her and wouldn't serve her as good as she could. So she used her vampire strength reflexes and disrobed the men from their expensive Armani suits and blew them all at once, because she was a vampire and she could do that now, goddammit!

After the last poor soul ejaculated into her mouth, Bella sucked their blood a little bit to wash the male-human-semen aftertaste from her mouth. Then she thought of what her faggot glitter fairy husband would think of her sexual loose-ness. Good thing she was a motherfucking shield, because he wouldn't discover how much he left her wanting and how much she had slept around since becoming a vampire. Bella had come to learn the hard way- quite literally- that Edward's 7 inches just wouldn't cut it in the grand scheme of things.

The next day, she got a call from her producers. However, she was in their big-ass posh bathroom with her good friend Mary Jane and Edward answered the phone.

"We got your porn shoot ready, ma'am," one of the imbecile producers told her hubby. Bella heard them say this because she was a vampire and she had super-hero hearing.

"Jesus Fucking Christ," Bella cursed their stupidity, then immediately regretted it because her mouth started smoking from taking the Lord's name in vain because she was a motherfucking vampire.

Edward was over to her lightning fast. "What is this, Bella?"

Bella was too stoned to think. So instead of thinking, she grabbed Edward's cock and pulled it to her. Edward's cock was cool and hard in her hands like normal, and since she had meaty man hands, it was only a little bigger around. All the same, Bella pulled him below her and rode him hard, like she was a little kid and he was the fifty-cent Pony rides they have outside of some Kmart stores.

They fucked for maybe like eight hours. After all, they were vampires and didn't need sleep. Also neither of them could cum. Bella rode Edward in like five thousand different positions, including one where she took his foot up her ass and his fist up her vaj. There were even some whips, chocolate blood, and upside-down, silver-and-cross bondange shit involved. But that's a separate fanfiction. Edward just let her go at it, that filthy man-whore. He loved it when she got kinky.

But even their eight hour fucking spree couldn't make Edward forget about that phone call. Bella was prepared though, and used the time spent twisting her loins and moving her hips like Shakira to think of a game plan of what to tell him. In the end she settled on "Fuck it," which seemed to be her policy for everything these days.

Edward asked her as he pulled his schlong out of her to cuddle like two little lovebirds on the bed. Bella hated cuddling because it reminded her of soft, squishy things, like humans and flaccid dicks after they watch something with Nicholas Cage in it.

But anyways, Edward asked her about the porn phone call, and now she needed to tell him the brutal truth.

"Honey," she began, all sweet. That was when you knew a woman was gonna pull shit, when she started out sweet. True to her gender, Bella continued to totally anal rape Edward's emotions with this next line:

"Your cock is puny, I want to have somebody make me cum, and you just aren't doing it. Bitch, we are soul mates-" At this she paused to snort a line off of Edward's belly, "But I need to mix it up a little bit. I'm thinking you're my soul mate in the way a person gets really attached to a dead goldfish. But I'm doing porn. And I blew Jacob at the last New Year's Eve party. Also, I fucked your dad. Your mom. And your sister. Deal with it, pretty boy."

"Are you fucking serious?" Edward exclaimed, all pissed off and shit.

Bella blinked. This one she was not expecting. "No, he died in the fifth book," she replied.

Edward roared in frustration. Understandably, he was not the happiest camper. In fact, he was so pissed he went off and ate some campers, but he still let her do whatever the hell she wanted.

The next day she was back in Los Angeles with her producers and her soon-to-be lover: Liam Payne from One Direction!

WOW!

Bella was so stoked, she would get to fuck a movie star on television. Hell, maybe she could finally ejaculate even. Well anyways, that was how she found herself on a dimly-lit film set with the hottest member of One Direction with his hot… member.

Liam was already hard and ready to go, chained up on the King-sized bed. He was clad only in a bright-red mankini, and all the excitement had already got his package straining against the chincy fabric. Bella felt the stirrings of excitement, and she could hardly wait as the camera men messed with the cameras and lighting.

"Ok… action!" A man finally called.

_Awww FUCK YEAH!_ Bella thought, then lept up onto the bed in her uncanny vampire grace of hers and started macking out with Liam hardcore. She kissed him on the lips first, violently, almost hungrily. The scent of blood was driving her insane, and she worried Liam's bottom lip like a quasi-violent, famished child eats Oreo cookies. Liam moaned and strained against his chains. Bella could have broken them with a simple twist of her finger, but she liked to see him squirm. Laughing, she wretched away from her embrace and proceeded to trail kisses down his neck, tracing his arteries to get closer to the sweet smell of his blood.

Holy crap, being intimate with a human was hard! No wonder Edward was always uber-cautious when she was still a squishy mortal. Although Bella had a sneaking suspicion he was cautious only because she was homely as fuck and cautious was an excuse.

Liam wasn't fugly though. She bit his nipple and he bucked like a deer against the strains. "Oh, God, Bella," he cried out for her, because she was a hot-ass vampire.

Bella smiled, then went in to the gold: to knock boots with Liam.

"Cut!" The director cried, right as she was about to take Liam within her.

Bella froze in place, a scant centimeter of space separating their two body parts. "What the fuck?"

"We need a stunt penis!" The director exclaimed. "Liam's is much too small to look good on camera."

_Fuck_, Bella thought. The director was right. Liam's noodle was the same size as Edwards. No way would that make it in the X-rated world.

"We got someone lined up," the stunt-man. "Someone who should suit you a little better… Bella," the stuntman said, pausing as he flipped through some papers on his clipboard.

Bella was still really ticked and horny at being interrupted. She couldn't even get Liam to move the one direction towards her wet cunt because he was all tied up. "Don't presume to know me, son of man," she hissed, about to settle on Liam's resoundingly average cock.

Just then, an ogre stepped onto the scene. A big, green ogre wearing ragged pants and a crooked tooth smile.

"You're stunt-penis," said the director, with a flourish towards the ogre.

Bella's mouth dropped open.

It was Shrek.

Shrek didn't waste any time, and the directors didn't either. Bella heard the soft click of the cameras beginning to roll as the large green swamp-creature stepped closer to her, already unlacing his breeches with meaty hands.

Bella gulped, suddenly ten-thousand times more turned on. Shrek was fucking _hot._ He was so big… and massive.. and holy fucking God! She gasped as Shrek finished unclothing himself as she got a look at his cum gun. It was a fifteen inch long, uncircumcised, and dark green. A delicious treasure-chest line traced all the way down, and Bella found herself transfixed on Shrek's manhood.

Even Liam was impossibly turned on by the site of Shrek. Bella heard a girly little scream, and a wet rush against her stomach. The pure sight of Shrek had made Liam cum.

Shrek nudged Liam aside with the push of a well-placed knee, and suddenly Bella found herself pinned underneath the large, green giant. Shrek's meaty hands cupped her breasts, and she gasped. Getting an impromptu breast massage had never been so welcome. Shrek ran his hands over her body, anymore, and Shrek didn't need to be soft with her.

"I'm a vampire," she hissed, fangs popping out. Treat me like one." Without any further warning, she bit into the side of Shrek's neck.

This is pure gold," Bella heard the director murmur as she drank. "Keep the camera on all three of them."

Then, the taste of Shrek's blood was in her mouth, and Shrek's shy-lover demeanor broke and Bella forgot about everything- everyone- else except the Godly creature above her. Suddenly, instead of massaging her breasts, Shrek was twisting her nipples. He wretched her teeth from his neck and began seriously making out with her. His breath rank of onions and she moaned in pleasure and he deep-throated her mouth with his slimy, ogre tongue. A meaty palm ran a hand down her hip and slapped her hard on the ass. It made a beautiful slapping sound of reverberation of sweet, tight ass and Bella giggled at the pleasure.

Shrek's hands didn't stop there, though. Without any wasted time, one of his meaty palms were pressed against her clit and Bella was so wet that she thought giddily, "_It's a swamp down there!"_

Shrek roughly inserted three sausage-like fingers inside her and began finger-banging her in time to his tongue somewhere in the back of her throat. Bella moaned and writhed against him, and suddenly his fingers were gone from her stink-hole and his tongue gone from her mouth. She gasped and blinked, looking up at her swarthy lover in dismay. He was fapping Liam off with a foot, almost carelessly, and Bella understood that it was for the film, and plus his fully-opposable grubby-feelies were quite impressive.

Also, he didn't leave her because he was eating sour skittles or some other weird thing people shouldn't do during sex, he was grasping his manhood in his palms and using the wetness from finger-banging her as masturbation lubrication. Bella watched his hand pump himself above her, with his flabby foreskin giving lots of room for violent masturbation. Shrek brought his skin flute down next to her pussy again and rubbed it against her. Bella felt his rough ogre-stubble graze against her unkept bush and shuddered as more smelly vaginal fluids leaked out of her bearded clam.

"Shrek," she begged, her voice gone all funny from her repressed hormones.

Shrek looked down at her, uneven mud-brown eyes meeting her own shit-colored orbs.

The foreplay was done. Bella knew it. A split second later, his cock slammed into hers with the force of shreking ball.

Bella screamed aloud, and he began pumping away above her, his cock filling her more than three dozen Big Macs shoved up her coochie could do. (She tried it once). She was going into a golden- no! a green- haze of glory and Shrek moved so fast above her he was like an ogre-comet, a green blur of pure macho that filled her with lust. Bella was moaning and Shrek was panting above her, and suddenly she was flying, she was flying and she was soaring over a swamp-

_Oh._

_Oh, God._

She hadn't checked herself, and she had Shrek'ed herself all over the bed. And then Shrek shrek'ed himself too, cumming explosively of green love jelly inside of her. His seed, her seed, Liam's seed all mixed together in a wonderful pool of ejaculate, and the green monster sagged against her on top of her, embracing her as the two enjoyed the after-glow together. Liam had almost fallen off the bed, the only thing holding his limp body in place the chains that he swathed himself in before the cameras began rolling.

The cameras! Bella craned her neck. "Shrek," she whispered to her soul mate. "The cameras,"

"Eh?" Shrek said in his endearingly stupid swamp-accent of his, lifting himself off of her to look at their audience.

All of the camera-men, and the producers, had shot their wads too. Shrek was so amazing he had made everyone climax.

"Pure gold," the director whispered again, his pants covered with a big white stain.

Shrek glanced back at Bella and smiled, then lifted her off the bed and carried her off into the sunset to do the nasty with her some more.

And Bella was perfectly happy with it, her own perfect prince-charming cumming with her day after day.

Authors Note: The porn made a hell of a lot of money! Shrek and Bella totally got rich off their genitalia, which is pretty sick. I'd do what they did if I didn't love it so much and do it for free already. Anyways, Edward and Fiona got pissed and took off to that dumb honeymoon island together to hook up. Edward realized that Fiona was a fat lard of a girl and after one half-hearted oral session that left him disgusted (a maggot crawled out of Fiona's vagina), he took off and left Fiona on the island to stew by herself. Also for the record Fiona turned into a fat dyke. She was already fat so I guess she just turned into a dyke. Oh, but don't worry. The island had cable so she could get television- half of the channels featured Shrek/Bella porn it was so great, and she totally used that for schlicking material. So everyone had a happy ending except Edward, because he's a cunt nugget.

Figging: act of inserting a piece of fresh, skinless ginger into the anus or rectum

twatwaffle


End file.
